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When does the pain stop?

  • I am seperating from my husband after 16 yrs of marriage and 2 yrs before that of friendship. We married at 16 and 18. We have all of our kids together. My husband has many woamn problems and porn. I put up with it for years until it got worse and he refuses to stop. I don't understand it. He is my dream guy minus the junk and disrespect. We have so much in comman and life will seem so incomplete without him. I sometimes feel like I will be making a mistake for leaving him because he cooks, he helps around the house, gives me all of the money and helps with the kids. I don't have to really do anything but work and come home. He just cheats. I have heard woman say all men cheat and that I am lucky to have a man that helps out but I am a romantic and would love to love and be loved and also respected. I am scared I will fall into a rutt of men who are worse or I will be alone forever. I don't know how I am going to feel to see this man I love sooo much in a relationship with another woamn openly. I almost want to keep him so I can have help with kids and money. He is military and is gone alot. Should I just stay? I am scared and depressed and now that I am leaving him next summer when my kids get out of school I am starting to have second thoughts.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by amanda on 24th August 2008
  • Hi Amanda-I'm very sorry for what you are going through. The pain you are experiencing can be felt through what you have written on your post. Your essential question is - should you, or should you not, do what many women do, and settle for very little to keep a marriage together. When you say he "just cheats" and is perfect in every other way (I'm paraphrasing), you need to ask yourself about the nature of the crime. The psychological pain inflicted by a cheating spouse can be bottomless. People who are betrayed by a partner have difficulty getting past it, even in the best of circumstances. I can tell you some of the indicators of whether or not you should leave, or stay and work on your relationship, would be whether or not he has openly admitted to being unfaithful, made a commitment to stop seeing the other party/parties and is willingly to work on the relationship with a marriage counselor. I don't hear in your post that he is willing to do these things. I am also concerned about the porn issue which could indicate sex addiction. I would recommend speaking to a professional. You will need lots of support and guidance to get through this. I also felt that your belief that you are "incomplete" without him is causing you a great deal of pain. You are a complete person already with or without this man. Something is telling you that you need to go, at least for now. I would say unless he is willing to get serious help, his ability to clean house and bring home a paycheck will not be enough for you. Living with a spouse who is unfaithful is one of the most painful experiences in life. In the long-haul, maintaining the status quo of your relationship as it is now could have a very detrimental affect on your health (emotionally and physically). I would say seek guidance. You are already reaching out for help and have shined a bright light on this problem...good for you!
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Leslie Miller, LICSW on 24th August 2008
  • Ask yourself,are you ever going to trust him again,is staying with him going to be worth it,will he change.Are you willing to put yourself or the children through this.Sometimes it is worth it,other times not.Two relationships and three children later and I,m finally happy on my own.Am I lonely at times,yes,but right now I feel like I'm better off alone.Both of the men in my life were not the greatest,they cheated,lied,and stole off of me.One of them was always more in to the drugs then even wanting to be bothered with his own son.Am I still hurting,yes,but I go one day at a time.The hurt is always going to be there,but in time you hardly ever notice.You start living for your self and the children.I still hope for a mister right,but untill then I would rather be by myself.I can promise you it will get a little easier.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Regina on 25th August 2008
  • I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time and experiencing so much pain, but I think you're doing the right thing.

    You do deserve to be respected and treated the way you deserve.

    Maybe some women can live with a cheating spouse, but you can't. (I couldn't either.)

    Take care of yourself. You deserve more than just a paycheck and help with chores.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Gina on 26th August 2008
  • Thank you guys for all the advice and help!!! It is nice to know their are woman who understand.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by amanda on 27th August 2008
  • Hope in the coming days things will start to look a bit brighter,and a bit better.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Regina on 28th August 2008
  • Amanda - you ask the question of whether you should leave or stay. The answer is within you - no one else can answer that for you.

    Something that can help you figure that out is by taking sometime to define your values. Once you define what they are then compare your relationship against these values. Is the relationship a reflection of these values? If the relationship is not a reflection of your core values then you know the answer - unless of course he is willing to make some changes to come in line with what your values are.

    Only you can be the judge of what is right. Look deep within yourself and you will find the answer. If you can't figure this out alone you might want to ask for support from a counseler or a coach.

    Good luck!

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by CoachLisa on 23rd September 2008
  • Everyone's advice and help is so wonderful at this time. I have been through some crazy changes just in one week. I know alot of you have read the book and saw the video THE SECRET well I believe that the way I have changed my thinking over certain situations has helped form new relationships in my life. I am so unsure of why I am headed the way I am going but I am. I have had a hard time letting go of my husband and he is now with another woman and seems to like her alot. It hurts very deeply but I guess that is part of letting go.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by amanda on 28th September 2008
  • Wow...Amanda. I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I sincerely wish you the best.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Uhura on 1st October 2008
  • Amanda, you already know the answer. I am very sorry for your situation. You need to get the book Can There Be More? by Heather Hogan. It is about this woman's life but she has goes through her entire divorce from the first time she knew he wasn't right, to the whole process of lawyers, to how it affected her children, to how it affects your everyday living and what is like to mourn a loss of a family. It is an uplifting account of divorce, you really need to get it. I got my copy at
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by mauimom5 on 3rd October 2008

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