What is your Greatest Fear when Facing Divorce?Subscribe
One of the first emotions that I experienced when my husband and I separated was fear. I would have thought it would be anger, but that came later. Fear is what showed up first for me. Fear of being alone, fear of the unknown and fear of being a failure
I was married for sixteen years. My whole life revolved around my husband and my daughter. When my marriage fell apart, I did not have much of a support system in place. After the tears subsided somewhat and reality set in; I was what I feared most in my life, a divorced single mom. A gut wrenching feeling of fear set in.
What is fear? Rhonda Britten author of Fearless Living defines fear as “… both the cause and effect of the feelings, thoughts, or actions that prohibit you from accepting yourself and realizing your full potential. It is the gate keeper of your comfort zone”. If you look at fear as an acronym, false evidence appearing real, it is much easier to face. If whatever it is that you are afraid of is really false then you can set it aside or move through it. Now doesn’t that make life seem easier?
Facing One of Your Biggest Fears: Failure
The best way I have found to combat fear is to just face it head on and move through it. Many people are fearful of failure. I say define failure. Just because you do not achieve what you set out to, does it mean you failed or does it mean that you were just not meant to achieve that particular goal? When you are in a situation where you feel you failed, ask yourself what was it that I gained or learned? You can always learn from it, so in essence it can not be a failure then, can it?
If nothing else you should congratulate yourself for taking the risk. Many people are too paralyzed by fear that they are unwilling to take the risk. The fact that you took the risk is worthy of praise and admiration. If you are afraid to try something because you might fail, think about the worse case scenario then ask yourself; if I do this will I survive? Unless the worse case scenario is death, you can survive so just do-it; “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.
A great story depicting this very thing can be found in Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Stop Worrying and Start Living”. You will be amazed how great you feel for taking the risk.
So I challenge you to look fear in the face today and take a risk. You will be glad you did. You will be amazed how great you feel for taking the risk. What a self esteem builder and if nothing else it will give you a great story to tell your children, grandchildren or friends. If you take me up on my challenge and walk outside your comfort zone I would love to hear about your adventure, feel free to post your experience under this discussion thread.
I agree that fear is #1. I didn't get to be married, but I was with my daughter's dad for 7 years. We had ups and downs, just like everyone does. I turned a blind-eye to many things just to be with him. I was so ready to be married and we have a now 2 year old. He just left me last month. We have so many things TOGETHER. Our credit card bills, different things we've bought on credit, our bank account, our cell phone plan, etc... I'm so afraid to get everything untangled and unsure if I will be able to support myself and my daughter. Yes, he says he will help out of course, but I have never been the type of person to rely on someone else for ANYTHING. I need to feel secure with what I know I have to work with. Anything extra can be saved for things she needs.
I admit, however, I do get so filled with anger at times at the entire situation that I just break down. I know this phase will pass. I know I'm better off without him, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
Prayers for everyone else that is facing or will face this situation. It's definately not a piece of cake.Flag as inappropriate Posted by on 2nd October 2008
Marcia - thank you so much for your post. When you say you are afraid of untangling everything, what is it that you are most afraid of? Defining your fear is a big step toward conquering it.
When you say you are afraid you won't be able to support yourself - have you taken steps toward figuring out what it will tak financially to support you and your daughter.
The first step in conquering fear is to face it head on. Knowledge is power - shine a light on your fear, uncover what it is you need to put into place to deal with your fear and take steps toward having that. And if you can't do it alone - ask for support.
You also said that you get filled with anger too. You might want to check out the discussion here in this group around anger by clicking here http://www.workitmom.com/1485_3240_0.html
Thank you both for this posting - knowing I am not alone and knowing that others are able to make it through this experience is a great comfort at the moment. Like you both, I am fearful of being alone after 24 years of being a couple. Finances are screwy and I don't want it to end honestly. I also have a lot of anger at my husband because his answer to let go is to me - the most selfish, inhumane reaction on the planet. I have to stop typing because I'm going to cry and I have too much crap to get done and also until details are worked out - I'm trying not to tell my Mom, who lives with us. Thanks again for having this place of refuge - it does help!