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Getting blasted for choosing to work; I just need someone to talk to

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  • I'm new here. I found it while googling working moms today after getting blasted on facebook the last 24 hours for choosing to work when I have a 3-month-old son.

    I wasn't working at the office yesterday. My husband was home and then got called back in, and I was annoyed that he just left, and posted that it was annoying to me that he would leave when maybe I wanted or needed to go into work yesterday morning(one car is in the shop for extensive repairs and we have no public transportation here).

    I had 26 posts on my facebook telling me that I had no business wanting to go to work when I should be home with my son. That my ambitions and career are no longer important because everything should take a backseat to my son. One even told me that it hurts to see me writing about being "stuck at home" when she would have given anything for years to not have to work and that if I had wanted a career, we should have used birth control.(this person is fully aware that my son was conceived through the use of fertility treatments)

    I got told I was selfish. And didn't care about my son because I choose to work when I don't "have" to.

    We live in a very traditional and rural community. I am the only mom with small kids that I even know who works. I am the only woman I know who works in an executive position. My husband doesn't care either way whether I work or not, but he freely admits that he didn't know a single married woman with children who worked until he was an adult.

    I am looking for support and encouragement, hoping that someone on here can help me muddle through all this.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by medicmom on 11th August 2010
  • For one girl, I'm a stay-at-home mother. I love my "job" but I feel like I'm not doing enough for my baby. Looking back at my mom being alone in raising me and my sister, I respect her so much more for working hard to support us. It's YOUR LIFE... not your facebook friends'... YOU know what's ultimately best for your little one and your family. I fully support your decision to go back to work. I wish that I could do something to help my family but there are no jobs available to me that are willing to work around my babysitter's schedule. So if you have that opportunity to help support your family I'd say MORE POWER TO YOU SISTER!!! With the economy the way it is, you have to do whatever it takes to keep thriving. My Grammy told me the other day that it's not about the QUANTITY of time that you spend with your child, it's the QUALITY time that you spend with them. You could be at home all day with him and not give him the quality time he needs. When you are away from your child at work, you get a renewed sense of love and connection that you feel towards them. Go to work, make that money, if the people on facebook want to pay you to stay at home with your baby then do it... but if all they can give you is criticism on how you want to live your life... then maybe they shouldn't be your friend in the first place.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Jesi on 23rd August 2010
  • Wow. I am really amazed at what people will say or do and the on-line aspect makes people worse. You are not alone. There are plenty of moms who want to work and I truly believe that the best mom is the happy mom. For some that his staying home for others that is working. I am sure that your son is your top priority, but you can do that and work too. As long as you are an involved parent you are still 'raising your own child' just with help. Are you selfish? Maybe a little, but I think we are all allowed to be a little selfish. Quite frankly when I thought briefly about staying home many of those reasons were selfish too. There are benefits to staying home, but there are also benefits to working. Start looking at those. Fathers tend to be more involved, you take pressure off the family by having 2 incomes (especially important in the current economy). Your childcare provider can be a blessing too and can help teach your child things you may not have thought of. When you look at all the research (and look around yourself), you find that good parenting is so much more important than whether a mom works or not.

    On the flip side - take a look at all the stay at home moms too. I know so many that work part time at home (think Avon or the like), take classes, are starting their own small businesses making clothes/jewelry, etc. You might be surprised to see that while the tme commitments may be different they differences aren't as big as you might imagine.

    Remember also to always look at your family. If they are happy that is all that is important.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Stacey S on 25th August 2010
  • wow, i am glad you found WIM! I went back to work when my son was TWO MONTHS OLD! All your Facebook friends would probably faint. And, when i went back, we didn't have daycare yet so my husband stayed home for 3 weeks until daycare had availability. Our son is now 4 and smart, happy, well adjusted, and love his parents to pieces (as we love him more than anything as well!). Staying home does not = love just like working does not = love. Only love = love.

    Every family is different and you make your decisions based on the needs and requirements for YOUR family. If their families require mom to stay home and not work, that's fine! If you need to go into work and stimulate your mind and provide a portion of income to your family than DO IT! and be proud of your decisions.

    There are likely other young couples, and even some moms there that may be looking to you as a leader and a role model. You never know the positive impact you have on those around you, so don't let a few naysayers talk you out of what you know in your gut is the right thing for your family, you may just end up inspiring other women leaders in your community :)
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kate on 9th September 2010
  • I work, but I go to church with a ton of stay at home moms. They'll say things like, oh I'm on the clock 24/7, staying home is the hardest job I've ever had, I'm so isolated, blah blah blah. Right now I'm on maternity leave after having baby #2 in May and I feel like I'm on vacation! By their definition, I normally work two jobs! And I feel less isolated now-- I've actually had TIME to reconnect with friends that I haven't seen in YEARS because I've been so busy working and being a mom. I think if they're isolated, maybe that's just because they don't get their kids dressed and out of the house every day. We go on some sort of outing 3 or 4 days a week.

    I am a high school math teacher, and I wouldn't feel right just focusing on just my own two kids when I could assist 200 students a year with their education. That's one hundred times as many kids whose lives I can make a difference in.

    My mom stayed home, and I feel like growing up I always heard, "No, we can't afford that" whenever we wanted some trinket or treat or to go somewhere fun. In my mind, that morphed into, "No, you don't deserve that." I don't want my kids to grow up feeling that way. So yeah, I also want the extra income!

    So that's why I work-- I can contribute to the lives of kids in my community, and I can provide more for my own children. Of course, I do have the major perk of getting the summer off to spend with my kids, and I know non all moms get that, so I'm very grateful for it.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Allison on 25th September 2010
  • I'm coming into this discussion a little late, but just wanted to encourage you!

    I'm lucky enough to do what I want to do- work from home- so I've never had to make the hard choice of going back to work when i didn't want to. I also recognize that for many women, it's not a hard choice at all, as they really want to go back to work. The only thing that makes it hard is the guilt trip they get from others who have made a different choice.

    The people who commented on your facebook status are placing their values and expectations on you, but no one has the right to do that to you. I say, it's time to address some friends about their behavior toward you, and possibly delete some people from your friends list if they can't treat you with more respect.

    As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Let them say what they want. It may not feel good, but you know what's best for you and your family, and you shouldn't have to justify yourself! No one has the power to define you... but YOU. And welcome to Work It, Mom! You'll get plenty of support and understanding here, even if your facebook feed isn't so friendly.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Rachel Heath on 14th October 2010
  • Never feel guilty for working... some people just have appalling judgements.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Yasmin Proudlock on 22nd October 2010
  • You are the only person who has to live with the choices you make in parenting. Everyone has to do what they feel is right in their mind and it may not always be what everyone else would do. Feel confident in whatever decision you make and own it. I don't think there is a right or wrong on this subject, its just what is the best fit for each person and family to meet their needs.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Telecommuting Mom on 9th November 2010
  • I used to always wonder if working outside the home was good or bad. Now that 2 of my kids are 9 & 11 they are very well adjusted. I read an article in the magazine working mother. They interviewed adult children of working moms. They said that they learned how to be independent, build relationships, & communicate with others. I compared what they said to my own kids & they show the same characteristics. I agree with what someone else said. It's quality not quanity. I make sure that I spend all my time with them when i'm not at work. I take advantage of my lunchtime to do things that I like or to socialize with my friends, family. I'll also take time off to attend most of their school activities. I hope this encourages you. I feel I'm a better mom & my kids have been able to establish so many relationships in daycare & afterschool care.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by 4girls on Friday
  • Wow. I am so sorry that you had to listen to other people's unsolicited "advice." If you are not ready to "defriend" those people, you really don't need to defend your decisions. What works for you and your family is what's important. You might have financial reasons to work, or you might choose to work because you love it (or both!). Regardless, it is none of anyone's business. I think that the best defense in these situations, because you are unlikely to change any minds, is to use a little humor. But you are certainly well within your rights to just ignore them comments and be happy with your own decisions.
    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KAtwinmom on 21st December 2010

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