Some might suggest that you have it all – are they right? Do you think it’s possible for moms to have it all? Have you had to sacrifice anything on as you’ve pursued your career as a mom?
One of the lessons I learned from Mommy Wars is that we all give up something. Before writing Mommy Wars, my own internal “mommy war” came from years seeing, in stay-at-home moms, what I was missing at home when I was at work; and in ambitious working moms, the career sacrifices I was making by working part-time. It’s clear to me now that comparing myself to other moms is pointless. It’s also clear that other moms’ choices suit them and my choices are (mostly) right for me and my kids, which is not the same as perfect. But I’m not out to be a perfect mother, wife or employee. I’m out to be happy. And that’s a personal quest no one but I can judge, fulfill, imitate or envy.
What is your definition of balance for a working mom? Any practical suggestions about making some changes to achieve a bit more of it?
The happiest moms tend to be the ones who have time with their kids and paid work – we work for companies and have partners that give us the flexibility and support we need to be good employees – and good moms. However, it is a myth or at least an exaggeration that in the U.S. today women have unlimited choices and complete freedom – there are very few truly family-friendly jobs, companies and husbands! You need to work hard, make smart decisions, and negotiate firmly in order to get anything approaching balance between work and family.
I’ve learned that we moms need each other –whether we work or not – and that we are far better off, as women and as a society, when we support all good mothering choices. Don’t blame women. This is a societal problem. Finger pointing at women obscures the real problems of governmental, corporate and tax policies that do not support women’s choices. We need to stand up for other moms– whether that means doing a favor for another mom, mentoring a younger woman at work, voting for politicians who support women and children’s needs, staying at home when we need to and feeling good about working when we need to. We also need to stick up for ourselves, and remind ourselves that we are good mothers as well.
We hear from many of our members, all of whom are professional moms, that one of the things they struggle most with is constantly feeling like they are not great at any one aspect of their lives – not in their jobs, not as moms, not as wives, or friends, or partners. Is this the curse of being a working mom or can we change this nagging feeling?
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