My doctor warned me that I was at risk for PPD while I was still pregnant, but I always thought that it wouldn't happen to me. I was very wrong.
After the birth of the baby I was dealing with many things. I had gender disappointment (I had desperatly wanted a boy, but had a girl), this is a common issue, but no one ever talks about it. People like to say "as long as it's healthy", but gender disappointment is an increasing problem.
I also had to have a planned c-section when I had wanted a natural water birth with no drugs. Talk about as far from what as wanted as you can get! I never even went into labor. I know many people talk about how luky I am, but it's like I missed something. I know it's painful, but I feel like I missed out on an experience that I should have had, painful or not.
I returned to work full-time 8 weeks after giving birth. I work a high stress job in retail and my work week is between 45 and 50 hours every week. Because of my crazy schedule I was unable to breastfeed like I wanted to.
After about 3 months I went to my doctor. I told her that I was feeling sad and down. She put me on Zoloft, which is a common anti-depressant. At first it worked well, I started feeling better. There were side-effects, but they were fairly minor. I thought that since I was feeling better that I could deal with the nightmares. A week or two later, however, I started having racing thoughts. It seemed as though I was no longer in control of my own mind and that was scary. But the worst was yet to come. I was taking my daughter on a walk in the stroller and we crossed over a bridge that went over a ravine. My first thought when I went over the bridge was "Oh, I know, I'll just throw the stroller over the side". My next thought was "Oh my god! That's not me!" and immediatly made an appointment with my doctor. A few days later I went to my doctor and then found myself being checked into the psych ward at the hospital. I spent a total of five days on the ward, totally cut off from everyone and everything. My medication was changed and I was feeling better, but it was a scary experience.
I love my daughter and I would never hurt her, but it was frightening to think that I might do something that I couldn't control.
