Member Questions

I stumbled on to a partial solution for this in my marriage completely accidentally. When my first son was born, I was still in grad school (he was born summer break -- how's that for convenient?). Classes started back when he was six weeks old. I went three nights a week and John had no choice but to learn how to deal with the baby. It turned out to be great for all three of us.

He learned his own way to do things and I wasn't there to look over his shoulder (or for him to fob stuff off on). It translated into him being more tuned in to how to help when I was there. No more asking me where stuff was or waiting for me to ask him to do things. He just knew what to do.

When our second son was born, I was out of grad school, but we instituted the "one night a week Mommy night" and I'd take off to Starbucks to write or dinner and movie with my girlfriends. He had the night with his boys. Of course, I say "partial solution" because I do still have to ask him for help way more often than he asks me. Good luck.

Ugh. I understand exactly why you are so frustrated. I have gone through the exact same thing. I know how men can be, but I was really surprised how unhelpful my (very sweet) husband was right from the moment I went into labor, actually. I have to agree with Kate: they feel bad because they should know, but don't know what role to take. And my husband loves kids - more than I do, really - yet I think he was really paralysed by the fact that baby always wants mommy - he felt (still does) powerless. And the reality of being a father and around a baby freaked him out, I think. (grr) Also, my DH says he is afraid to take over because I'll criticize. Yes, that is true. I can't deny it. (Sheepish shrug) Maybe all of this is true for your hubby?

Asking for more help might improve things, as Lylah suggests. However, my experience has been that I can ask and ask and ask, and talk and talk and talk. But the next day things are exactly the same. ANd I think that's because at the end of the day, men just don't seem to notice what needs to get done. But although I think asking doesn't guarantee you'll get help, I can promise you that if you don't make your feelings crystal clear (nicely) you'll continue to get no help and your marriage will suffer, so speak up now!! Just keep your temper. Have a glass of wine before tackling the subject. Really. :)

Last resort suggestion: the only thing that has consistently worked with my DH is fining him. Yes, I get him to agree that he'll do certain things around the house. When he lapses I fine him. Usually 25c per "offence" or maybe as much as $1 a time. It's sort of a joke thing we do, but it seems to really motivate him like nothing else. I'm not kidding.

Wish I could be more help, but I'm still struggling with this exact situation myself. It is exhausting and frustrating beyond words - I could cry with frustration sometimes. Let us know how you do! Good luck!

lol i agree with both of them! Basically - men have NO IDEA what to do with a baby. i would say point out the cute stuff as 'omg this is so cool!' and also show him how to do stuff and praise praise praise! think of it as practice for toddlerhood ;) positive reinforcement works best because most (like lylah i am generaliziing!) men dont know what to do but wont admit it because they feel like they SHOULD know!

also, check with your local government and/or hospitals for new parent classes and 'baby and me' things where you can all go together. this allows your hubby and you to 'learn' how to play with the baby together - a little less intimidating for some men to take instruction from a neutral 3rd party. plus it's fun and you meet other parents going through the exact same thing!

and dont worry - my hubby was the same way - and now that our son is almost 2, he jumps in CONSTANTLY and i have to say 'hey IIIII want to do this!' :)

oh! and something my hubby came up with all on his own (because he needs to be needed) is that he would change the poopy diapers because then he can actively participate in something that makes the baby feel better :) also if you are bottle feeding at all (pump or formula) he can do that too! give him something that is 'just his' to do with the baby and it helps to start the bonding!

Hi, Mirojamas! My advice would be: Don't wait for him to offer... ASK! Dads in general aren't programmed to be as tuned in to a baby's needs as moms are, and the male brain isn't wired to pick up on the more subtle singals that women put out indicating that they need help or a break. (There are exceptions, of course, I'm just writing in general terms). For many men, the tiny-baby times are ones of maintenence -- you're just trying to keep the little guy alive, there's "nothing" to interact with yet -- and if you seem to have it under control, it doesn't occur to them to offer to help you with something that you don't seem to need help with.

Again, there are exceptions. But, you know, five kids later and I still have to ask my wonderfully attentive husband to shut off the damn computer and amuse the youngest kids while I get dinner ready, sometimes...