Member Questions

When my first husband was spending a lot of time "working late", "at the office"; when he would come home surly and preoccupied; when he would practically fall out of bed rather than touch me, and kisses were a thing of the past, I asked him, "Are you gay?"

He wasn't. He was having an affair. And you know what? To my mind, that was worse. If he'd been gay, then it would have been something he couldn't help; when the problem was another woman, then it was personal, the betrayal more profound.

None of which has anything to do with your friend's situation... I think the other wise women here have said all that needs to be said, really. Don't try to give her advice. Just listen, and support her in emotional and practical ways. Don't wait for her to ask. Even if you say "Let me know if there's anything I can do", lots of people in crisis can't think that clearly, or are shy to ask. So suggest a few things: Does she need childcare? Could you bring dinner to her family once in a while?

I don't think that there is any "right" way to handle the situation except what feels best to you. If you are not comfortable giving your opinion or advice, i think it's okay to say that.
On the other hand, if you really do want to be there for your friend, maybe just "being there" is really all she needs. Maybe your advice isn't what she is truly seeking, but instead a friend to tell her, "I know this is a tough time, but you'll get through this, and I am here for you to vent to." Just talking about it to others without feeling judged might be the real thing she needs right now. Fortunately, this issue is more common these days, and is dealt with much better than it would have been 30-40 years ago, so you can remind her that although she may feel alone in this, there are plenty of others who are dealing with this same issue across the country, and getting through it.
Personally, I can think of a lot of positive things about her situation -not that it's a positive situation, but it certainly is something that can be worked through and over time may be easier to deal with than another reason for the marriage to end.

When my friends ask me for advice that I know that I can't give them, I tell them that I can't help them make this decision. I know that it's a really complicated issue, and I want to be there for them as much as possible, but they have to do what's right for them. My outside input would just make matters worse. Let her know that you care, and want to support her however you can. Good luck to you and your friend.

wow that’s rough. i would say first and foremost they should ALL be in some sort of counseling (depending on the age of the child). It’s awfully hard to be ‘uninvolved’ and still have her talk to you about it. Really all you can do is offer support and resources to help her figure out how to deal with the situation. Good luck…