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How many here are facing or are what is called the "Sandwich Generation"? For those too young here to understand, it's when you have children at home that you're still caring for and you're starting to or are in the process of caring for your parent(s). How are you coping with the situation? Are you finding it stressful and if so, what are you doing to help alievate it? How is the situation affecting your family as well?”

Asked by JDaffron on 11th May 2008 | 4 replies

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4 replies so far...

http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Yourself-While-Aging-Parents/dp/B000H2MNA6/ref=pd_sim_b_title_3

http://www.amazon.com/Dutiful-Daughters-Caring-Parents-They/dp/1580050263/ref=pd_sim_b_title_2

http://www.amazon.com/Long-Distance-Caregiving-Caregivers-Caregiver/dp/1886230005/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1210858156&sr=1-1

tdk,
I would recommend the above books. I've already been there, done that, as they say. In the case of my MIL, it got heaped on my oldest SIL, her only daughter, cause my hubby and his brothers couldn't or wouldn't deal with what was going on. Needless to say, it caused a LOT of friction and stress in the family. In my case, I'm an only, so there wasn't anywhere else to turn. My problem was that I live in a metro area but my parents were in a VERY rural area of the state, with no home health care and each one trying to look after the other. After my dad died, there was no other recourse but to move mom up here near us. I was fortunate that my mom was always the "sensible" one of the 2, but it was hard coming so close on the heels of my dad's death. I know of a lady near me who has a bit of your problem - her mom is guilt-tripping her, and my friend has a job, husband, family and home of her own. She's feeling like a rubberband that's been stretched 10 ways and about to break. I know that feeling well. The only thing I can advise is hang in there and get your mom situated into some kind activities of her own. The fact that she's losing friends is because of the bitterness she feels at what's happening. However, only SHE can change it, not you. And if she's not willing, then she'll have no one. (that happened to my aunt and she refused to believe she was the cause.)

Know that you're NOT alone and seek out group counseling so that you will see that you're NOT alone in your feelings of frustration and unwarrented guilt.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by JDaffron on 15th May 2008
While my mother is still functionally independent (my father is long deceased), she has been increasingly emotionally dependent. She talks about her health issues, and about getting old and dying incessantly. Unfortunately, she has been losing friends one by one. Also, she has no family in this country besides my brother and myself. My brother has never been a dependable, responsible, mature person, so that leaves me. What a surprise: it's the daughter that assumes the role. And I'm not even in the same state as them. (Yeah, I recognize I have some feelings that need to be dealt with.) I'm not sure what's going to happen when she cannot live independently any more. She's always said she never wants to leave her city. And she's the kind of person who will expect me to be "loyal" (read: at her beck and call) and will publicly condemn me if I don't meet that level of expectations. So...I feel as though I'm already sandwiched. - Paula.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by tkd_mama on 15th May 2008
Nataly,
I was 42 when I officially became part of the Sandwich Generation (I'm 53 now). Mine ended about 2 years later. Doing long distance care giving + everything I had to do and be was probably the most stressful thing I have ever done in my life.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by JDaffron on 13th May 2008
I am not in the sandwich generation directly, but I help take care of my grandparents. Even for me, in my limited capacity, it's stressful. My grandma has surgery yesterday and it threw my entire day for a loop -- and I wasn't even there the entire time. I think it's a very stressful situation.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Nataly on 13th May 2008