Are you in a blended family? What do you do when a toxic mother-in-law openly plays favorites with your children and makes insulting remarks that she is not obligated to treat the non-biological children fairly? My older child finally commented on the differential treatment. About six months ago my mother-in-law made a very insulting remark about my two older children who aren't her biological grandchildren when she wanted to take her favorite out for a "special" birthday celebration and my husband and I told her it wouldn't be fair to the other three children whose b-days were within 2 weeks of the favored child. She had a tantrum and began an insulting tirade put my husband and I at odds b/c he supports her decision and hasn't confronted her on her insulting remarks to me about my children. What do you think I should do?

Wow, that´s truly awful. I can see how this would happen, but it´s really not fair to your children. And I don´t think you should keep quiet or leave it up to your husband to deal with the problem, since he obviously doesn´t take it as seriously as you do.

In this case, rather than out and out confronting her, you might consider writing her a letter explaining how hurt your children are and how when you married her son, you all became part of the family and expect to be recognized as such. If that doesn´t work, then you just might have to get in her face! Your kids should definitely be important.

I really feel for you and for your kids. It's a shame that some adults forget that children are the innocent bystanders in a divorce -- they do not deserve to be treated like second-class citizens, ever.

What they deserve is your protection, and it seems to me like you're trying to give them that. It will make family gatherings difficult, but I think you should make it clear to her that your children -- all of your children -- have equal status in your family, and if she can't bring herself to treat them equally, then any gifts or plans must go through you so that you can make things equal. I'm sure you can find a diplomatic way to do this, if your husband isn't willing to. Appeal to her as a mother... tell her that you respect her feelings, but, as a mother, you're sure that she'll understand that you have to make your children's feelings in this matter a prority, and ask that she respect your wishes as you are trying to respect her.

To answer your question Kathy - If I only knew then what I know now. No, I didn't know she was like that until after we were married as I said before she was never as overt and NEVER came outright and said that she shouldn't be made to feel obligated to her non-biological grandchildren. My point is even if she felt that way - she had absolutely no right to SAY it or act on it. And, even though I was naive to it, my daughter picked up on her behavior and asked me why she was never invited to sleep over when the "favorite" child had stayed over many nights. So, even though my mind wasn't focused on her behavior - it showed - to my children.

And to answer your second question - there was a situation last year that involved another step-grandchild who she alienated. There was a problem with her third son and she offered to take his biological children and told him (her son) that he'd have to send the other child off to boarding school b/c she didn't want to take him. I was shocked, but kept my opinion to myself knowing I'd never let her have the power to do something like that to my children. I never thought she'd be so ignorant to make such a statement like that about my children. But, yeah I guess the signs were always there, but not until after we got married.

The clincher here is that she also has 4 children (3 by her first husband and 1 with 2nd hubby) So she should know better and be more sensitive to blended family issues such as this. She also knows and was asked by my husband to step up her game when my mother died in 2006 suddenly which left all 4 of my children with only her as a grandmother. I guess it was too much (even from her son) to ask of her.

I've tried to talk to my husband several times about how hurt I am by what she said about my children, but have tried to take the high road for six months by not approaching her on this myself. I've spoken to a professional therapist and a respected church Pastor both of whom asked me to let it go for awhile so my husband could talk to her. This is not the first time she's done something outrageous, but my husband and I talked to her and we got passed it and began visiting with her for the children's sake. She's never been so outward as she was this time with her feelings about her favorite biological and my other children until six months ago. Although she has expressed awkward thoughts about her other son's step children. I probably should've seen it coming, but b/c we're the closest family to her (physically) and spend the most time w/ her I never thought she'd have the audacity to verbalize it.

I've been quiet alot, but steamed to myself, hopefully waiting for my husband to settle this and ask her to apologize. She doesn't call the house to speak to me and insists on calling my husband on his cell phone when he's out of the house. My husband condones her behavior and has said some very harsh things to me expressing his support for his mother's views and behavior towards me.

He promised me he would talk to her and only did so once over the phone where she denied everything and said the problem was ours b/c she was over it. He accepted that and never approached the issue again. We have not seen her since and the "favored" child keeps asking to see her and doesn't understand why we don't go to see her or she us anymore. I don't think it's appropriate to share this dispute with the kids so I just try to brush over it and change the subject, but hubby just doesn't get it or he just doesn't care how much this problem has affected me and insulted me. He doesn't see my point of how this problem if left unchecked is going to cause many more bigger battles later on as our children get older.

My parents have never played favorites, not even my stepfather who still comes to see the children after my mother's death in 2006. My stepfather was very upset when he heard what my MIL said.

I'm very hurt and upset by this b/c I feel I've done everything I can do except make a bad situation worse by confronting her. It got so bad today that I went shopping and left the keys in the ignition with the car running for over 45 minutes and didn't know until I couldn't find my keys and got back to the car.

Holy cow. That is so wrong, wrong, wrong. (IMHO) I'm so mad that I don't feel I could give you objective advice. My advice runs more along the lines of...uh, you don't wanna know. LOL I sympathize, my friend. Hang in there. - Paula.