That is being three. Part of the developmental independence is their ability to show their feelings. You should also feel GREAT that she can have a fit with you because she is comfortable with you and loves and trusts you. Beore I was a teacher I was a social worker/counselor and I worked with abused and neglected children, these kids can not experiment with their emotions because of fear and yelling will only teach them it's okay to yell. So if you really want a good guide read Postive discipline for preschoolers by Nelson, Erwin, and Duffy (book) it will at least give you ideas on how to handle the strong will. Remember that independence is important, focus on giving her choices that you can live with. This color shirt (popsicle,etc) or this for lunch or this? When you give two or three options that are okay for you often it makes her feel like she is making decisions. So when the times come and you are saying no or later she will start to be as affected because other times she is independent and making decisions.
I think every mom yells at her kids at some point, some of us have a lower boiling point. The best thing you can do is take a time out, like others above have suggested. Take it a step further and make sure you get some "me" time throughout the week. That could be going out for coffee with a friend, seeing a movie on your own or just having an uninterrupted bubble bath. You´d be amazed at how much easier it is to deal with whiny kids when you are more relaxed yourself.
I remember the "terrible threes" all too well. Try to remember that this, too, shall pass. Believe it or not, you'll look back on these days when they turn 13 and wish you were back there all over again. Sometimes giving Mommy a "time out" helps. You go to your room, and it is amazing how shocked your child will be at the fact that you have ended the interaction and their "winding up" of Mommy. Just a few minutes, with your child in a safe place and you walking away from the situation for a minute's respite, will stop the behavior. Kids crave social interaction, especially Mommy's attention. The lack of it for a minute or two does both parties a world of good.
Above all, hang in there, Girl.
First, don't beat yourself up. We're all humans and being a mother is the toughest job you'll ever have. It tries your patience, but teaches you as well to have patience. We all have lost our cool at one time or another. But, the best thing is not to escalate with her.
I agree with the other ladies here as a mother of 4 who is going through the "terrble twos" again for the 4th time with my youngest. Either walk away and catch your breath and say nothing until you're a little calmer. This reaction helps child to calm down too. When you're calm get down on their level and tell her again what you want and expect from her and what the consequence for that behavior will be if she repeats it. Repeat it and be firm. Then ask her to repeat it back to you so you know she understands. This will help to reinforce the expectation to prevent tantrums and decrease them over time. It will also help her to understand what the consequence will be if she continues. There has to be a consequence and it has to be followed through or else she won't take you seriously and the behavior WILL continue.
It's very true that the calmer you are the faster they become calmer. You are going to yell...you are human - constant crying would get to anyone. What usually makes your child cry quickly and often? Is there a pattern you are seeing? Your child is getting you to react and I know when I react with my son it can prolong the situation.
My son is not quick to cry all that often except when he is tired, hungry or his lil sister annoys him to level.
When he does cry at length, I kneel down to his level and hold him and say "I can't help or understand you when you are crying..take a deep breath and calm down". Of course I am not perfect and do not always have the patience and when I don't I tell him "Mom is tired, so please..." I will walk away and tell him when he is ready to come talk to me.
He definitely cries more when I get upset/yell. I think it makes him feel worse and possibly scared. But don't beat yourself and see if there is a pattern to her crying.
I agree with Nataly. My three year old son can get me to say things I didn't know possible. I swore I wasn't going to sound like that when I was a mother. However, with my little man the best thing I can do is go outside get a deep breath. Go back inside and ignore it. I calmly tell him (when I finally have my composure) I am not going to play with you until he makes better decisions and I don't yell or even talk until he follows through on what I am asking him to do ( Usually get dressed.) Amazing when I do it correctly not only does he follow through but I get kisses and I'm sorry.
I just want to say that this has happened to me and I felt awful -- but I try not to beat myself up about it. What I've found worked for me is to walk away and take a breath, or a few of them, before I returned or said anything to my daughter. The thing is, this also seemed to help her calm down faster -- I think because she saw that she wasn't getting a reaction out of me as quickly.
8 replies so far...
Flag as inappropriate Posted by lit-teach-ma on 16th July 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Genesis on 8th June 2008
Above all, hang in there, Girl.
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Perry mommapolitico.blogspot.com on 7th June 2008
I agree with the other ladies here as a mother of 4 who is going through the "terrble twos" again for the 4th time with my youngest. Either walk away and catch your breath and say nothing until you're a little calmer. This reaction helps child to calm down too. When you're calm get down on their level and tell her again what you want and expect from her and what the consequence for that behavior will be if she repeats it. Repeat it and be firm. Then ask her to repeat it back to you so you know she understands. This will help to reinforce the expectation to prevent tantrums and decrease them over time. It will also help her to understand what the consequence will be if she continues. There has to be a consequence and it has to be followed through or else she won't take you seriously and the behavior WILL continue.
Be consistent! Good Luck!
Flag as inappropriate Posted by caramelsugarberry38 on 5th June 2008
My son is not quick to cry all that often except when he is tired, hungry or his lil sister annoys him to level.
When he does cry at length, I kneel down to his level and hold him and say "I can't help or understand you when you are crying..take a deep breath and calm down". Of course I am not perfect and do not always have the patience and when I don't I tell him "Mom is tired, so please..." I will walk away and tell him when he is ready to come talk to me.
He definitely cries more when I get upset/yell. I think it makes him feel worse and possibly scared. But don't beat yourself and see if there is a pattern to her crying.
Best of luck!
Flag as inappropriate Posted by mo2 on 5th June 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Diane on 4th June 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Terri on 4th June 2008
Flag as inappropriate Posted by Nataly on 4th June 2008