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Have you had an experience with bullies in your child's daycare/school?How did you handle it and for those who haven't how do you think will you handle such situations?”

Asked by Mia on 2nd April 2008 | 16 replies

16 replies so far...

DebR,
If that child had been put out of 3 schools so far, there's more of a problem there than anyone knows, and it's called THE PARENTS. Either the child has an emotional problem or the parents refuse to deal with it or even admit it exists. When our daughter was a baby, there was a child at our babysitter's that was a biter. This kid was about 3 or 4 at the time and our sitter told us that she was the 3rd sitter she'd been brought to. Ultimately, she had to ask the parents to take her and not bring her back. When I got there 1 day and found teeth marks on my daughter's arm (thank God it hadn't broken the skin), I saw the parents standing with the child and I made a VERY blunt comment about how SOMEBODY needed to teach a child NOT to bite others, and I looked right at them, then took my child right to the sitter for her to see the evidence. Needless to say, she wasn't bitten again.

In this case, it's obvious that there's a bigger problem and if it's not stopped, that child is going to be a bigger problem in the future.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 19th April 2008
In preschool there was a GIRL who was so out of control he hit everyone constantly.
It got to the point where my son didnt want to go to school, so I talked to the teachers, nothing changed. Talked to the Director, nothing changed. Talked to OTHER PARENTS, wrote a letter mentioning how many of us are sick of it.
She was asked to leave the preschool , her 3rd one that year.
I felt bad, but my first concern is my son.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by DebR on 19th April 2008
dulcinea1015 ...your d situation sounds very similar to ours except J was younger. the bully was J's "best friend" and we tried to teach her the right things to say to her. But she never would because she was so afraid of this girl being mad at her...which she always was anyway. The best thing that we did was separate them as much as we could and helped her to make better friends with other girls. Can you move her into another dance class/troop? That sounds so drastic ...she probably has danced with the same girls for years. But maybe it would be the best thing for her.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by olive on 16th April 2008
Mia,
Unfortunately, you're not going to get anywhere whatsoever by talking to the child. In most cases, they don't think they're doing anything wrong in the first place I totally agree with Carmel. Go to the daycare director and talk to them. Most daycares, partcularly the larger ones, have video monitors in each room and the director can zoom in on what's going on in each classroom. Prehaps if you talked with the director, they can then keep an eye out on that particular classroom and then they can approach the parents after having video evidence of it. It'd be kinda hard for the parents of the bully to defend shown behavior that's out of line. It could very well be that they're blind to his bullying behavior and give the same tired old excuse, "Not my Johnnie...X (the victim) caused it."

Good luck. Unfortunately, it's becoming more of a problem now. Just look at the "girls" down in FL...

Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 16th April 2008
Mia,
I'm not sure approaching the "bully" would be a good solution. In some cases it could inflame the situation and cause communication to break down between you, the school admin and the child's parents if they percieve your approach as inappropriate. It may compromise any power you may have if you approach it with the daycare first.

I'd recommend going to the Principal or Director first. If that doesn't work, go to the owner of the daycare. If it's corporately owned, go to the Regional Director and keep climbing until you get an appropriate response. Also, ask if your child can be moved to another room.

But, if all else failed and you decided to approach the bully. I'd do it very discreetly. But, I'd make sure my approach was done in a "direct parenting" way as a last ditch effort. This doesn't always yield good results, so I'd really think about it. You may scare the child and he/she could sitr things up negatively with their own parents. I'd also say if you had to go to this measure - it's time to take the child out of the school.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by caramelsugarberry38 on 14th April 2008
I guess this is a follow up question. Do you think it is wise to talk to the actual bully then? If the parents cannot discipline him for whatever reason , surely there must be someone who can or who must...

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Mia on 14th April 2008
Yes, and the kids are only in kindergarten! There is a boy with behavioral problems who likes my son and tries to be my son's "buddy", but instead the boy often ends up being mean and aggressive, especially on the bus when there is less adult supervision. Next year, the school will put my son in a class separate from this other boy.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Tucci Mama on 14th April 2008
Yes, and the problem is that the one who is doing the bullying right now is a good "friend" of my daughter's that she has known for years. She has danced with her since she was 7 or 8. I think that makes it worse. I have spoken with this child's mother and do a degree I think I now have made it worse. The mother is trying to control the child and the child is now angry. It's a rotten situation all the way around.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Dulcinea1015 on 14th April 2008
Emotional bullying can have as devastating an effect as physical. Teaching your children strategies for dealing with bullies will have lifetime value. Definitely keep the lines of communication open.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Daisy on 14th April 2008
My sons school has 0 tolerence for Bullies and have made it very clear that any child being threatened was to come forth, the teachers, aids, cafeteria staff, even the janitors are always around. We have a great school system and a small town doesn't hurt.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kim Begnaud on 4th April 2008
Mia...I hope I didn't make you more worried. My girls have so many wonderful friends and it is so fun to watch how excited they get when they get together. Usually involving alot of high pitched screaming! Now that the problems from last year are over we just really try to talk to them both about what good friends are, what friendship looks like and we hope that now she will recognize the signs of a bully earlier and choose to play with nicer girls. We also continue to encourage her to let people know what she thinks, stand up for what she believes...

American Girl has some good books talking about friendship when your daughter is elementary age. J enjoys those books alot.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by olive on 4th April 2008
We had a major problem with bullying/harassment in daugther's parochial school. Believe it or not, girls are far worse than the boys could ever be and it's gotten worse as the years have gone by. We tried to address it with administration, but all they did was pay lip service to the diocese's zero-tolerance policy. All they did was lecture the kids on "what would Jesus do?" and that was it. They were more concerened with getting rid of the victim than dealing with the problem. And don't even think you're going to get cooperation from the parents of the bullies - they're blind as a bat.

Now that we're in public school, suprisingly it (the county we live in) has and actively enforces a zero tolerance policy. There's nothing that can be done off-site, but on grounds is a whole different matter.

In retrospect, I think it depends on the attitude of the school's administration as to whether they're helpful or turn a blind eye.

Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 3rd April 2008