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How hard should I fight for the home I have made with someone? or should I just let him go? He wants Our relationship, but not my kids. He says he needs to be closer to his. We are 20 minutes away from his ex. and he sees them every weekend and several times though out the week. I am not able to support myself financially, due to his changes to my income when we cohabitated. Sorry for the long story, but I tried to concise it. I am stressing!!!!”

14 replies so far...

  • hope you are through this now. But I always said If a man or anyone couldn't accept my children they couldn't accept me. Its a packaged deal. If he was like that it could only get worse. Hope things have worked out-know how hard it is sometimes to be on your own with your children.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by eileen b on 13th November 2008

  • Good luck!

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Susan on 28th April 2008

  • I don't want to sound holier than thou or make things sound easier than they are but you asked for suggstions. Here's mine:

    1) According to your page you seem to have your hands full! Lots of kids, a co., etc. Take a brief moment to sit back and breath. Then, think about your true personal goals and how to fulfil them:
    -emotionally healthy kids --emotionally healthy you -- successful job -- abillity to support yourself

    2) Your kids are your priority. The young ones especially must be able to count on you; they learn from your decisions, etc.

    3) Not to pry, but I see you've had additional relationships that didnt work out. This may be the best signal to step back from relationships period and concentrate on yourself and your kids. This may be the most life strengthening, family strengthening opportunity ever. While hard/scary it WILL make you stronger. Once you've redeveloped these strengths a good relationship may just fall into your lap. (Why? because you'll be stronger, more particular, more personally fulfilled, etc. This is likely to attract men that appreciate a strong, personally fulfilled woman.)

    4) As Caramelsugarberry said: look to God for help. EVEN if you are not religious, turn to a church. They will help you in more ways than you can imagine. The right church can also help your children find a balance during this tumultuous time. They are used to people asking for help and collect/plan for this; so no need to feel uncomfortable. You may be very surprised where this step leads you.

    5) When I was a young teen I dated a guy that was verbally abusive. It has made me look back and see the value of good/bad relationships. I now stress to my children: Choose your mate carefully. The person you spend the rest of your life with will have the ability to affect every aspect of your world and your children's. A spouse can make your world lousy, okay or absolutely wonderful.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Susan on 28th April 2008

  • If you even have to ask this question, you already know the answer. The fact that he doesn't want your kids is a BIG RED FLAG. You're a package deal and if he's not willing to accept that, get rid of him. He's NOT worth it.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by JKLD on 10th April 2008

  • THANKS!!!!!!I appreciate Each and Every one of you... I need to get my focus back and this is a step in the right direction.
    Sometimes when I am in the Midst I cant see the big picture and need Help. I have survived on my own before so I know this is a possibility.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Kimberlylangert on 10th April 2008

  • If you have to fight to keep a relationship that is not committed in marriage already - then there are two things to consider.

    1) The fact that this is a hidden red flag that has now been revealed. This was always a hidden issue for him and there was a reason it wasn't initially revealed to you up front. Time is always our best friend. It needed a situation like this to come out into the open for you to realize that this person maybe didn't have the same vision for the family as you did. This was inevitable and should be welcomed and not fought against. It's worth the heavy consideration as it involves your children and their future well-being in the eyes of someone you are considering to spend the rest of your life with. Your decision to remain with him knowing what you know now will have a lasting effect on them and their relationship with you. His desires should be embraced by you as an indication or (red flag) about his level of committment (or lack thereof) to you and your children - as you are all one unit.

    2) If you love something set it free - if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't - it never was. This may sound corny and old, but it is full of wisdom. I lived it myself. I had to set someone free at the most inopportune time of my life and boy did it hurt. I lost my job, my apartment, my dignity, and my financial support. I moved 800 miles away to get away from the situation and had no money or idea when anything was going to come together for me and my children. The bottom literally was pulled out from underneath me and guess what? I also had 2 small children in tow ( including a newborn). I speak the truth when I say God made a way out of no way. He made me realize through the situation that this person was not for me and that with (His) help I was more than able to get back on my feet again. And I did in a big way. I realized God moved this old person out of my way so He could make room for the man I now call husband (who accepts my children.)

    With all the hardship I felt I had at that point it was hard to see the forest for the trees. I empathize with your feelings right now. But, b/c I stepped out on faith and triumphed, I am not afraid of trials and red flags anymore. I embrace them as a way for God to communicate HIS will for me and as an opportunity for me to get in line with HIM. Even if it means it will reveal my vulnerabilities. That's the whole idea behind personal and spiritual growth. I know now those moments are always teaching moments, so I embrace them and don't fight against them. It allows God to work on my behalf much quicker than if I fought against it all the time. I've learned to let go and let GOD.

    Don't stress about this situation. If you have to worry, fight or stress - there's your answer. Let him go. You have God, and your children. They are all the motivation you'll ever need to move on with your life and find the extra job that will bridge the financial gap that his money once provided for. This is the precise moment telling you that there is something else out there for you - just tell God what your need is and ask the universe and TRUST they will answer. But, God no, don't stress over this man, your house or his money - that only brings about more stress and confusion when you need to harness your energy to act and pray.

    Phillipians 4:12 tells us, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
    Hebrews 11:1 says, "Faith is substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
    Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us therefore come bodly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."
    Romans 8:18 also says, "...the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

    There is something else for you that is being revealed through this situation. Openly seek it and embrace the wonderful change that is to come. Don't revel in the sufferings of the truths you've just found out about in your mates desires and how they may adversely affect your house or your bank account. Those are material things that can be replaced. Your children can't. He knows this and he's not letting his feelings for you get in the way of his obligation to his children. Let him go and you will have opened a new pathway for greater things.

    Take care and continue to pray on finding a way to get more money. Look to God on that not your boyfriend.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by caramelsugarberry38 on 9th April 2008

  • What a pickle!
    I'm sorry things have gotten so stressful and uncertain for you. I am willing to bet that when you started this relationship and decided to move in together things seemed a lot more sunny. Tides shift, people change and sometimes we don't even remember how we got around that last big curve in the road of our life. The one we didn't even see coming. There will be plenty of time for reviewing and analyzing this later...first thing's first: How are the children dealing with this? How are they being affected? A golden rule that I hold dear to my heart is that whenever you're faced with a big, life altering decision, you need to think about the long term health and happiness of your can you fail if you're choices are based on their well-being? That's not to say you should never make a selfish decision or do something for yourself from time to time...but I think you get the drift.
    If it's evident to you that he doesn't really have an interest in being involved with your children, chances are, it's evident to the children as well. It sounds like he might have guilt issues that he hasn't quite worked out...maybe he feels that he should be with his kids ALL the time...not just some of the time. Whatever the case, I don't think there should ever come a time when you say to yourself, "I have to choose between this and my kids." Because, really, there's no choice there. You know the answer to that question before it falls from your lips, don't you?
    No one wants to feel lonely or afraid, but think of the lessons your children will learn if you step away from a negative environment and show them how to rebuild a safe and healthy one.

    Best of luck to you.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Sonia415 on 9th April 2008

  • I don't understand the question. I agree with everyone else, what is there to consider? If he doesn't want to accomadate your kids (your family), then there should be nothing to discuss. I would take on a second job before I would be with someone like that. Do not stay for him for the money, it is not good for your family.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Evansmom on 9th April 2008

  • Unless your kids are fully grown and out on their own, you and they are a single unit, in my opinion -- if he doesn't want them, he shouldn't have you. I don't know if he expects you to just leave them with someone else, but the fact that he has kids of his own but doesn't want to deal with yours seems to indicate that he is not right for your family...

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by Lylah M. Alphonse on 9th April 2008

  • Oh and please forgive my brutal honesty but shame on you for even CONSIDERING trying to maintain a relationship with someone that is not interested in your kids. THEY are your priority.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KathyHowe on 9th April 2008

  • He needs to go.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by KathyHowe on 9th April 2008

    Who does he think he is !
    He obviously knows how important children are in life, yet he doesnt want any part of yours.
    There are plenty of men out there who will be thrilled to be a part of your life and your kids lives.
    Your children will KNOW that this guy isnt interested in them, that is so hurtful !
    Dont put them through it.
    dont put yourself through it.

    Flag as inappropriate Posted by DebR on 9th April 2008