Member Questions

There are sacrifices and frustration no matter which path you choose. I've always been a working Mom so I can't claim to speak for those that stay at home. Luckily we have a wonderfully supportive family network and our kids were taken care of by their grandparents until they entered preschool 3 days a week.
I can honestly say that I have never received any ridicule or condescension from the stay at home moms that I know. Some think it's great I have a fulfilling job and manage to balance out the time with family and kids. My husband and I have sacrificed other areas of our lives to have two incomes and still raise our kids, however. He has passed up several promotions to work a schedule that allows him to be home when the kids get off the bus.
I agree the workload is more, how can it not be when the laundry needs to get done, food needs to be prepared, chores need to be completed. This is also best handled with a partner that is willing to pitch in. Superhubby takes the kids to Drs Appts, to Karate, to the baseball games, starts the homework and even gets dinner strted. We balance it out.
There is also the factor of how any given company handles the working mom dynamic. My company is pretty supportive of family needs, again that makes me a fortunate person. If my kid gets sick, I can leave or even do some work from home.
I'm confident my kids are being raised to the best of my and superhubby's abilities and given all the love, support and guidance we can offer. As for respect and admiration? I'd rather that come from the people whose opinions matter to me the most. Mine, my husbands, my kids. Everyone else takes a backseat to that audience. It has to come from within and you have to believe in the choices you have made, regardless of other peoples viewpoints.

Yeah, loaded question. But my true feelings are that the answer to your question is "yes." I am tired of hearing SAHMs say "It's the hardest job in the world." Yeah, whatever. I just don't buy that. If I was a SAHM I would actually have time to do laundry!

Then they look down on me for working. I understand that some of them feel that they have to defend their decision to stay at home, but I don't understand why. It seems to me like SAHMs are looked on as much "better" mothers than working moms, so I don't get why all the defensiveness. I'm the one who is vilified for working and not "putting my kids first." I'm the one who has to come home to all the housekeeping chores that I didn't have time to get done last night.

I *wish* I could get REAL respect and support from SAHMs instead of the half-hearted, pretend "Oh I guess I support your decision," and "If you really wanted to, you could live on one income," crap that I hear all the time.

If we *shouldn't* judge, and we *should* support, why don't SAHMs do that? Why does it matter so much to them that I work that they have to put me down for it?

Yikes, this is a loaded question. So here goes: NOPE, I don't think we get more or less credit. It depends on who you interact with and how you let it get to you. No matter what we do, we need to be confident in what we are doing. Otherwise, who are we to stick up for ourselves?

It would be ideal if everyone could stop judging us. I certainly don't judge stay at home moms and realize that the job is one of the hardest. However, they do always seem to judge me. The same way that the other moms have pointed out. They say things like "Oh, it's too bad that you have to work" or "I'm so lucky that I can be home for my kids" or "Your poor son, he's rather be home with his mom", etc. It's ridiculous. My son loves his daycare as he sqeals with joy and laughs everyday when I drop him off. He gives the same squeal when I pick him up. The absolute worst judgement came from my husbands side of the family. The sister-in-law, more specifically. She asked me why I was not staying home when my husband had a decent paying job, his job is decent but nowhere near enough I'd feel comfortable staying home. I also like my job and don't want to lose this particular place that I work at. The entire trip to see his family, she spent throwing in "We don't believe in daycare" into any conversation that she could. Instread of defending me, he started telling me that I should stay home as it's my duty as a woman, which of course, started the largest fight in the history of fights. Of course, now that we are away from his family and he knows how much Ocean loves daycare, his tune has completely changed. That was my last trip to see his family, ever. I should never have to put up with that kind of disrespect. So, I guess to actually answer the question, I prefer to stay away from people that think badly of me for working.

WHOA...where's the toss up??. Moms need to support not judge one another. You do what you need/have to do and want to do.

I worked for a 1 1/2 when my son was first born. I commuted 1 1/2 each way, each day. I traveled 4 x a year. 2 xs to hong kong and the balance in US. I came home at 7:30 practically every night and cooked, bathed my kids and slept with my blackberry by my bedside. I understand the pressures of a working mother and NO it is not easy.

Being that I have experienced both and now a STAY AT HOME WORKING MOM. I do not think there is a toss up of which one is harder and which one gives 1000% or 1010%. They both have stresses. I miss working outside the home and probably would do it again if I loved what I did.

Being home is hard work as is going to work. Before I had a nanny, house cleaner and time to myself and peed in peace! Now I do everything and I am friggin' tired all the time as are ALL working mothers. MOTHERHOOD IS HARD WORK NO MATTER HOW YOU SLICE IT.

I think there is judgement that being home is easy. It's not. I actually tell friends to stay working. You get to keep a sense of yourself, and maintain financial independence. Sometimes it is more about the mental than physical. I didn't have two toddlers crying on my lap. It was a little more stimulating on an intellectual level. THere are many days I wish I was working but like I said I was very unhappy in my career.

It's not like my salary was chump change. I made a six figure income and made the decision to change my lifestyle. I traded in a luxury SUV, slowed down dinners out, shopped different places. I no longer buy shoes from Saks...I go to Target or DSW. We relied on my salary quite a bit too.

It was a choice I made for personal reasons as my son was born sick. He is a thriving healthy boy today but I still WANT to stay home. Funny enough, i do not miss all the nonsense of buying beautiful things at beautiful places. I think just by virtue of being in fashion it made me realize those things are soooooo NOT a necessity in my life and then having a child born sick changes your perspective on what's necessary in general. I am not going to complain because it is my choice to stay home.

The only time I felt disrespected was by the "older" generation of women. My mother had no idea what I did and how important my income was. She didn't understand how I could get on a plane. Most men have no idea how hard it is at home and outside of the home. Very few could do what we do every day as moms.

I am the one that tortured myself more than anyone else.

How do you handle the lack of respect??? You don't and can't handle the opinions of others. You just go with what you need to do for you and know deep inside you feel good with your decision and if you working is a NEED in your family than that's what you need to do and forget what people think.

Sometimes my husband will say "DO you understand the pressure I am under?" and I give hime a look like "yes..I have been there too"

We shouldn't judge - we should support. Being a mom is hard loving work. We want the best for our kids in every way shape and form and how each one of us decides to do that is entirely up to the individual.

I think that society really doesn't want women to work. There are huge barriers. Social, financial, reasonably priced childcare.

SAHMs I know look at work in disgust and say, "Well if you have to..." When in reality, I don't. Society puts pressure on working mothers to "Do it all." Afterall, if you don't, what kind of mother are you? Better call DSS. Remember growing up and hearing about latchkey kids? Are there really any of those around anymore? I'd be afraid my kids would be taken away if they were. My mother and mother-in-law worked to have spending money, or save, or just find something interesting to do, but they didn't have careers. They also discourage me from getting too career focused, "...remember your children." They also didn't really work when my husband and I were growing up. That came later.

So, my perspective is that you can work, but if it looks like more than a hobby, then you're a bad mother in our society's eye. I don't think working mother's really do get credit. Kind of cynical and down, but I haven't experienced a supportive and positive perspective for me to have a career as a mother.